How Not To Look Old

Yikes! the books you bring home from the library when your mandate is to expand.

I wasn’t looking for these books ……specifically.

I’d devised a library strategy to help break same old/same old patterns in my life — pick a random row, wander down, scan the titles and whatever pops out — check out. No review, no inspection. It is a little trial and error but I like the randomness and surprise of it all. It has provided winners and (of course) losers.

The two books that jumped out a few days ago did not disappoint. Both were on the topic of aging. One was called, How Not to Look Old and the other Stop Aging and Start Living.

I was pleased I had a theme going.

The perspectives couldn’t have been more different. I found one fascinating I’ll save it for next week.  The other – How Not to Look Old – struck me as truly humorous although I’m pretty sure that’s not what the author intended. However, the anti-aging lift of laughter is probably the best way ‘not to look  old’  —  warms the soul, lightens the heart, inserts twinkles in eyes and a glow all over!

Perhaps the book achieved it’s goal after all.

A summary of Book 1: How Not to Look Old

With the promise of the cover …… Fast and Effortless Ways to Look 10 Years Younger, 10 Pounds Lighter and 10 Times Better ….I dove in!

What follows is a (selected) list of things the author advises should be avoided OR gotten rid of as we age. Hang onto your hat.

Helmet hair, visibly thinning hair, hair parted down middle hair, dull hair, too dark hair, ashy hair, gray brows, drawn on brows, unkempt brows, coke bottle lenses, glasses dangling on necklaces, boring frames, half glasses, thick black eyeliner, glittery eye shadow, too bright eye shadow, clumpy hard mascara, streaks of blush, raccoon eyes, cakey foundation, orange self tan, sagging skin, smile lines/laugh lines/lip lines/marionette lines/forehead lines/crow’s feet, age spots, too dark lipstick, cracked lips, fake plumped lips, thin lips, dragon lady nails, veiny and/or bony hands.

There’s more…..

…..grannie pants, girdle legs, sausaging, muffin tops, spillage, back fat, saggy breasts, massive breasts and uniboobs…. also hairy legs, pale legs and ugly orthopedic shoes.

I’m not familiar with girdle legs, spillage or sausaging – if anyone knows what these are please advise.

In the meantime I’ll start working through the list.

I’ll be checking my closet for ugly orthopedic shoes (and tossing), volumizing my thinning hair, dumping my sparkle shadow and black lipstick and trying to figure what to do with my thin lips, bony hands, sagging skin, smile/laugh/forehead lines, crow’s feet and age spots all the while wondering if I have spillage or sausaging.

Let’s agree to have things corrected by the end of the week shall we?

Seriously — I’m going to have to forfeit the ’10 years younger’ opportunity as  thankfully age, wisdom and growing self acceptance have given me bigger fish to fry. Although I’m  pretty sure the tears-running-down-my face-laughter did shave 6 months off!

I’ll keep my back fat.

reACTION [to change in the response to stimulus]: Aging Tips

How Not to Look Old is written by Charla Krupp…lots more in this book you may find interesting.

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